35 Signs You Might Be a Confirmed Bachelor

More than half of the items on this list apply to me; the others I just made up. I’ll leave you to guess which is which.   

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

1. Your dream house does not include a family room.

2. You would rather be shot dead than be seen driving a minivan.

3. Your first dates end with a “Let’s Be Friends” speech.

4. Your Facebook profile has never read, “In a Relationship.”

5. Women your own age seem too old and mature for you.

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

6. You’ve lost some of your closest single friends to marriage and family.

7. You call a sex chat line and they recognize your voice – then put you on hold.

8. You only date between March and August, during football’s off-season.

9. You put in a bid for a date at a charity auction thinking, “This is my chance” – and manage to lose out there as well.

10. Married women say you’re a good catch, but single women don’t want to catch you.   

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

11. Late-night fun at your bachelor pad is watching Nick at Nite.

12. You’ve thrown away unopened boxes of condoms because it was past their expiration date.

13. Your mail order bride came with a roundtrip ticket – and used it.

14. You suspect you were the inspiration for the term, “metrosexual.”

15. A woman friend drops by your place late at night with a bottle of wine, lays horizontal on your couch, then acts surprised when you make a pass.   

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

16. You were a consultant for the movie, “40-Year-Old Virgin.”

17. Your favorite holiday is Super Bowl Sunday.

18. You buy a woman a drink, talk for an hour, share a kiss – then she tells you she’s a lesbian.

19. You think online dating requires too much commitment.

20. The woman you once thought was your soul mate just emailed you pictures of her wedding.   

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

21. The woman you’re having dinner with tells you she has to leave early because she has a date.

22. You show up at your high school reunion and the first girl you ever went out with is now in a same-sex relationship.

23. You think “speed dating” should be renamed “speed rejection.”

24. You react to your friend’s divorce by saying, “Welcome back! Can we start hanging out again?”

25. Women who won’t go out with you think it’s OK to tell you about their guy troubles.

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

26. You always use a mini-basket when shopping at the grocery store, never a wheeled shopping cart.

27. You’ve gotten comfortable telling restaurant hostesses, “Table for one.”

28. You’ve lived in the same apartment for five years and have never turned on the oven – cause the microwave works just fine.

29. You mistake the sound of your neighbors having sex for the sound of your cats wrestling.

30. A woman gives you her phone number then tries to explain her “open relationship” with her live-in boyfriend, just in case he answers the phone.   

You might be a confirmed bachelor if…

31. Women your own age have adult daughters you’d like to date.

32. Using your kitchen’s stovetop burners would require finding a new place to put the mail.

33. You think pizza is one of the four food groups.

34. You’ve become that crazy uncle everyone in the family thinks is gay.

35. You’re over 40, it’s Saturday night, and you’re sitting at home reading this.

Elliott Lewis is a licensed attorney, author, and media professional. This essay was originally posted on Open Salon in February 2011.  Visit Elliott’s website at www.lewisfreelance.com.

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